March 2011
1 post
i want to speak the language of your body
i want to reach across these many miles like drawing a line across a map and for even just a moment- touch you. i want to explore your body, the tips of my fingers grazing over each inch of your perfection i want to speak to your body the language of kisses my lips speaking quietly, hungrily to your bare skin i want to tell my secrets to your stomach and my stories to your thighs i want to be...
February 2011
1 post
I will always hate myself
for being such a goddamn coward.
January 2011
1 post
everythingwasbeautiful:
I wasn’t born a monster.
Taking the first train out of town wasn’t the bravest thing I could have done, nor the most original, but courage and creativity do not run in my veins.
You once told me there were over 10,000 miles of railway in Texas. I wonder now if I laid out my insecurities and doubts and all of the lies I told you, if it would add up to a hundred miles or...
October 2010
1 post
Revision.
I remember the beginning, but what I remember most clearly is not the beginning, but the beginning of the end. The walls of our love cracked, crumbled, and collapsed on top of us. Burying us in shattered trust and misplaced secrets. I was trapped under the remains of your words. You were broken by the bricks of my lies. The beams which were composed of the nights we spent together forced my lungs...
September 2010
3 posts
The walls of our love cracked, crumbled, and collapsed on top of us. Burying us in shattered trust and misplaced secrets. I was trapped under the remains of your words. You were broken by the bricks of my lies. The beams which were composed of the nights we spent together forced my lungs to collapse. The poetry I wrote on your walls tumbled down into my mouth and I choked on my own words. Every...
You spoke the sweetest words Out loud, or whispered in my ear Untold tales of a beautiful future Love that was brighter than a thousand suns I could not have hoped for a better story Every word you released Drizzled like honey down my spine
Kissing the lips of someone whose heart you have shattered is the most exhilarating thing you will ever experience.
[I.]
Exhale. Tiny droplets of chlorinated water expel into the air. They linger, then fall. Shoulders, arms, hands. Tense. Muscles contracting, fluid motion cuts through surface tension. Thighs, calves, feet. Taunt. Rhythmically beating in a perfectly synchronized pattern. Head turning. Cheek breaking the water. Exhale.
[[II.]]
Inhale. Tiny dropletsof salt water expel from watery eyes. They...
I think about you
I wish I could remember
The sound of your voice
February 2010
2 posts
I woke up in another town.
I couldn’t remember my name and I couldn’t remember my story, where I came from.
All that I remembered was vague, a memory of your fingers trailing down my spine, your lips pressing lies into the back of my neck.
Your words good as sold, I bought them with all that I had.
I refuse to play the victim.
I don’t need you.
I don’t need anyone.
January 2010
11 posts
It's getting easier every day.
We are always sad to see something beautiful end.
Although, of course, there is often the realization that it wasn’t so beautiful after all. You break it down, analyze it. Try to find where things went wrong, and you can’t. But eventually you’ll begin to see the cracks. The tiny fractures. The minuscule faults that lie hidden within the beauty. And once you see the first, it’s a chain reaction. You can almost pinpoint it...
I hate to admit it,
but you were right.
I really miss my old best friend.
I think about her all the time.
I feel like there are so many things that I'm...
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and my heart is racing and I’m sweating and shaking and crying and I don’t even know why, but I reach for you and you aren’t there.
Imadetherightdecisionimadetherightdecision
why must i second guess every choice i make?
This is never over for me.
Even if it’s been over for you.
I just can’t let go.
Why is this so complicated?
The thing is that I know it’s the best thing for me.
But my heart speaks louder than my mind.
And unfortunately my heart makes bad decisions.
I don't want to fall in love.
I just want to not be alone.
I don’t really want a relationship. I just want someone to talk to.
I just want something to look forward to again.
December 2009
28 posts
I just want heat, warmth.
I just want winter to leave, along with the memories.
I want to make maps.
So many maps, hand drawn and pasted onto my walls, until there is room for nothing else. I want to draw red X’s on all the places I have been, until the entire room is covered in red and the scent of permanent markers is so strong it makes you dizzy.
There are some people
who just don’t understand when a certain subject should stop being discussed.
My aunt has brought her up at least seven times. I’ve counted. No matter how many times I try to tell her not to. She just does. And it hurts.
I don't understand
how the same person who made love to me in the early hours of the morning, who smoothed away my hair and kissed away the bad dreams, could be the same person who said she was neutral to my existence, who said she didn’t love me.
Then again, I don’t understand how the same person who drove you to Nashville, just to eat and get coffee, the same person who made you breakfast and who...
I locked your text message.
The one that says, “I don’t love you.”
Whenever I get upset and feel like texting you, I just read it over and over and over until I get angry enough to throw my phone across the room.
A warning sign, I missed the good part then I realized, I started looking and the bubble burst. I started looking for excuses. Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in, I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones, That I started looking for a warning sign. When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah the truth is, That I miss you so. A warning sign, You came back to...
Nothing is real.
nothingisrealnothingisrealnothingisreal
I have to keep telling myself that as I pull the trigger; it’s not real and it will only hurt for a moment in my head.
You are not real and I am not real and she is not real and we are not real.
And nothing is real and nothing is nothing nothing.
I'm not strong enough for this.
I am dying.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I can’t run away anymore.
Oh god.
You forgot...
I am happy.
a date
is only significant if you allow it to be. today would’ve been a year, but it’s not. therefore, it is meaningless to me. it is merely another december day. it’s hannah’s birthday. it’s cold outside. i went to work. i went out to eat. that’s all. today is not the day i cry about you. today is not the day i think only about you.
today is the day i remind myself...
look in the mirror
and say my name until it doesn’t feel real anymore, until it is only a tumor that is no longer a part of you, that has been removed and destroyed. until i am nonexistent.
i am not a bad person.
i used to watch my shadow as a child. i’d run and run but it was always right beside me. the hot memphis asphalt on my feet. the cracked sidewalk that caused so many stubbed toes. soft grass,...
This time
I have to learn how to do what’s best for me, instead of what I want.
It doesn’t matter how I feel.
You’ll never stop hurting me, and it’s time that I realize that instead of giving you multiple chances to do it.
I'm done.
This will be the last time I let you hurt me.
This is really hard for me.
You ever get a cut, a pretty bad one, and it’s really finally starting to heal, and then something rips it open again, and it hurts so so so bad?
That’s what I feel like.
I’m just really, really scared. I’m sobbing and shaking and I’m falling apart, but I’m crying for the past few months, not just for right now. I’m crying for all of the wrong things...
I haven't slept so well in a very, very long time.
i would hurt anyone for you.
i remember
how i would wake up and cry, but you’d brush my hair with your fingers. i remember your cold fingers the most- they were so small and beautiful. your cold fingers. your voice. the things that won’t let me end this.
This is the story
of two people who fell in love,
and broke one another’s hearts.
it hurts so much
to think of time. a year.
it means a winter, a spring, a summer, a fall. it means the rotation of the earth around the sun.
if a day is only what we make of it, today is heartbreak, and i am shattered into splinters of stars, breaking free from the sky and burning holes into the ground.
my best side was your worst invention.
you lied.
you said it wouldn’t hurt. you said it would be like the temporary sting, the prick of a needle. it’s not. you said i wouldn’t feel it, after a while. i do. you carved your name into my skull. laughed as you watched me cringe. i was crying in my sleep, i whimpered. you said. all of those nights i woke up breathing hard, scared. you were there. i could reach out and touch you and...
rain
soothe me to sleep, beat your rhythm on my brain, cleanse me.
hide me.
You taught me how to see
with more than my eyes; you used your fingers cold and stiff, traced over my lips, made me feel.
it's as simple as breathing;
isn’t that what they say?
in. out.
breathe.
the only thing is that something is wrong with me, something that makes my breath hitch in my chest and my words get strangled in my throat and something that makes me think too much.
just need to know
that you’re there. i can’t see you, but i feel you, some sort of ghost that sits on my lungs. i carry you around. hard to breathe. but it’s enough that you exist. it’s my anchor. i want to be an architect. i want to be a scientist. i want to be an engineer. i want to create a time machine. i want to create a machine that can erase memories. i wouldn’t erase you- no...
This isn't over.
it never will be.
i have to find the strength i need.